Young Heart
July 10, 2007, 05:37 PM
As days drifted endlessly into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, and so on. I couldn't help but reminisce on things I endured a fondness and loss for. Things once here and now no longer. Like my first school boy crush in elementary class. Her name was Alicia, yes, I believe that was her name. We sat together for a whole grade. She had long brown hair that resembled the glossy brown of her writing desk. I sat to the left of her. And in a boyish devious way, full of innocence, I would steal glimpses of her attraction. My eyes would admire the way her shoes would tap-tap-tap when in deep thought on a problem, or just day dreaming, as students are prone of doing. I would watch the way she scribbled with her pencil with her soft pale hands, and letting them rest flaccid afterwards when a sentence or problem was completed. Often she would turn to me and ask to borrow a sheet of writing paper, and in my calf love, I would give her a small stack. Praying in return for some type of affection. But like that writing paper, I was also discarded, along with my hopeless romanticism.
It was not that she chose to throw my love away, it was that I was terribly afraid of another person being able to see me so transparently. I always remained a safe distance from love while still being able to torture myself with its emotion. And I kept this pattern of loving or non-loving all through my growing ages. A fear, a fear of love. A fear of commitment. A fear of sex. A fear of knowing and not knowing. A fear of rejection. A fear of blind unfoldings.
Now I am here twenty-five years of age and alone. Solitude is quite habitual to me. I no longer know how to act in a socially pleasing way to others without feeling like another soul. I spend most my days either blind drunk or sickly hung over. I've smoked copious amounts of cigarettes, and I often think about death. Not in a suicidal manner, but I doubt I could explain it in a more subtle way, so as to convince you that the noose is not already around my neck, right now.
