I Am Home
July 10, 2007, 05:37 PM
Negative feelings ruled my mind in January when I got back to Little Rock from Phoenix. Sometimes even an old familiar thought lurked. "Why stay here?"
I had been trying to get more serious with my guy for months. When one person in a relationship cares more than the other, it's not a good thing. I, however, ignore logic since I am the one who cares more. I won't let go. Hmmm... maybe what's standing in the way of a good relationship is my social anxiety. Most people who don't have it cannot quite understand it even when they try. My guy doesn't have a shy cell in his body and empathy is not his forte.
I decide to conquer my SA. I get an application for Dr. Richard's Social Anxiety Institute in Phoenix, AZ. I fill it out and mail it back in. Based on my application, it appears I'll be accepted into his program. All I have to do is attend an intake evaluation and introductory session. I plan a New Year's vacation to Phoenix so I can meet with Dr. R.
I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I drive over 1,000 miles to meet with Dr. R. Everything seems ok, but then I sense something is wrong. He is steering the conversation in a direction I do not like. He is saying that this is not going to work out... for now. I can't get into his program? I'm convinced, I'll be stuck with SA forever and he is denying me access to a supportive therapeutic environment.
I want to pile more misery on my misery. I call my guy wanting comfort. I know this is the wrong move. But I want more misery. The phone call was bad, really bad. I am successful in making myself more miserable. I hate Little Rock, I hate my job, I hate myself. Hate prevails.
At the same time my 'would have been" Phoenix roommate gets accepted into Dr. R's program. Good for her, but I'm so upset I don't even think I want to continue our email friendship. Surely, hearing about the program from her will make me sick. Luckily, that's a fleeting thought. We have continued our friendship and I admire her. I believe she is a strong person. She's told me about another social anxiety program in Arcadia, CA run by Richard Preiut.
In February, I read a Dharma teaching in a friend's Ecumenical Buddhist Society's newsletter. Basically, the Rinpoche was saying... reality always wins. Why waste energy fighting reality or running away from it?
A few days later I select a book off a Barnes & Noble bookshelf. Love is the main title by Thich Nhat Hanh. I find out everything I can about this peaceful Zen master because I love his writings. To my surprise Little Rock's Ecumenical Buddhist Society has a group dedicated to his works. I buy some of his books. I attend every meditation and discussion session I can.
I practice meditation as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests. When anger enters my mind I say "hello" to an old friend that I know very well. I ask it if it needs anything. I treat it like a baby Jesus or Buddha.
I meditate. I meditate. I meditate. Sometimes bad memories come to my mind and I feel sorrow. I sit and meditate and tears roll out my eyes. I never run from the memories or insist they leave. I just let them stay as long as they wish and they always go away. Sometimes funny thoughts come into my mind and I let those stick around until they are ready to leave as well. It becomes easier to concentrate on my breathing for longer and longer periods of time. I notice when driving home from practice I am calm. I don't get pissed off if a song I don't like comes on the radio. I just turn off the radio and drive in silence.
I hear from my guy and find out why he has been so sick for the past year. He has cancer. His doctor diagnosed him with Hodgkin's disease. I act supportive. But I am tempering my emotions, because I'm really really sad and I have an overwhelming desire to take care of him. At meditation that night... I let what I feel wash over me. No, it doesn't feel good to want to take care of someone who doesn't want you. No I don't want him to get sicker from the cancer or the chemo or the radiation. Tears fall as I meditate.
My friend in Phoenix will be finishing her semester with Dr. R in May and her next step is to attend one of Richard Preiut's advanced classes in Arcadia, CA. I'm proud of her. And, I will be applying to both Dr. R's group and Richard's group next winter.
Another thing I learned from reading Thich Nhat Hahn is that while practicing walking meditation, we can say with one step, "I have arrived." And on the next step, "I am home." I use this technique when I walk down the halls at work and when I walk for exercise during my lunch break. I remember when I resented having to walk this route. I thought the cars flew by too fast, and I didn't like inhaling their toxic fumes. These days in Little Rock at lunchtime when cars speed by me on the divided four-lane street it reminds me a very similar street I grew up on in Gretna, Louisiana. I'm sure Phoenix, AZ and Arcadia, CA have similar streets. I just walk and say, 'I have arrived" on one step and, "I am home" on the next.
