Heads or Tails
July 10, 2007, 05:37 PM
I didn't plan to bet all my money on this stupid card game, but I ended up doing it anyways. Now I'm broke with no money left in the bank for rent, or other inane bills. At home, I decided this couldn't concern me now and opened a beer.
As a song played on the radio, I drank my beer, still worried about my situation. I just needed a little luck, a little luck to make things better, to make life better. I would do the same as always now to escape this situation and try to borrow the money. I would make the telephone calls tomorrow.
But for now I wanted to dilute myself with alcohol. The phone would ring all day-night and I would let it ring, ring, ring. It was never the right callers, or always the wrong numbers. One time I answered out of habit, and a woman spoke in a sexy voice, "Hi baby, how are you Pablo?"
I was not Pablo, but her voice was pretty, so I responded, "I'm drunk and lonely, darling"
Then in a Spanish accent I heard her say, "Que?"
I hung up the phone then. No call back from her that day.
After a few beers I decided to climb into bed, under the covers, with a book, and try to read a little to distract my thoughts. I reached for the bookshelf on the right of my bed and grabbed a random one, careful not to knock the other books down. When I looked at the title it read: Blue Dwarf by Rob Naylor; it was a sci-fi book a friend had given me.
I have never read it, and I do feel slightly guilty for not taking the time to read it. But as I thumbed through the book, my head and eyes lost interest. I would read the first sentence, then begin thinking about some embarrassing moment that happened yesterday, or if my boss knew I showed up to work buzzed and hung over the night before. I couldn't enjoy the book, I closed it and placed it back on the shelf.
I reached back over to the shelf and grabbed another random book off the shelf. This time it was a philosophy book by I. Kant. I began to read the first sentence, "It is impossible to think of anything at all in the world, or indeed even beyond it, that could be considered good without limitation except a good will."
Once I was done reading the first sentence, I let the book close along with my eyes, and drifted into a hypnotic sleep.
In the morning a new day was shining, a fresh start, life being torn from the womb. I opened the door outside to smoke a cigarette. As I did I noticed a homeless guy digging through the dumpster looking for empty aluminum cans. It made me feel more guilty that I had just threw away almost all of my money on gambling, and this guy was digging through the trash for cans.
As the homeless man got close by, I dug in my pocket, found three dollars. I decided to keep two for myself and give him one. When he got close enough so I could call him over, I shouted, "Hey, can you come here for a minute?"
He gave me a strange look, put his trash bag down and walked over to me. As he got closer I began to smell him, and wanted to make this fast. I wasn't really feeling like I was doing a good deed anymore, more like paying him to go away.
"Hello," he spoke.
"Here take this dollar," I said as I handed him the dollar.
"Do you have anymore?" he asked.
"No, I'm sorry that's my last bill."
He began to walk away, not even a thank you, he just walked back to the green dumpster with my dollar. Was I expecting his charity to make me feel better about myself, or better about himself? Either way, I doubt that dollar was enough to satisfy anyone, me or him.
I walked back inside and looked to see if I had any breakfast I could cook. I had six eggs, two beers, a shot of whiskey, and some stale bread. I threw the bread in the trash and poured a shot of whiskey and downed it.
Then the phone rang, "Bueno Dias Pablo!"
I hung the phone up.
It was going to be another one of those days.
